Is It Me or the Kids? How to Recognize When You’re Dysregulated

Parenting is an endless dance of emotions, energy, and responsibilities. Between work, dinner, school pickups, appointments, and the ever-present hum of demands, it’s easy to focus entirely on your kids' needs and miss your own internal state.

You might think, “They’re just having a rough day,” or “Why are they melting down again?” But here’s the honest truth many of us aren’t told:
Sometimes, it’s not just them. Sometimes—it’s us too.

Our nervous system is always scanning, processing, bracing, or relaxing. And when we’re running on fumes, we may not realize we’re already dysregulated ourselves.

What Is Dysregulation, Really?

Dysregulation isn’t about being “out of control” or overly emotional. It’s simply a mismatch between your nervous system’s capacity and what’s being asked of you.

Think of it as your body's internal bandwidth. Too much input, too little rest, not enough co-regulation—all of it builds up.

Signs You Might Be Dysregulated as a Parent:

• You’re quick to snap, sigh, or shut down over things you’d normally handle with more patience.
• You feel mentally foggy or emotionally detached—even from people you love.
• Your shoulders are always tense. You clench your jaw. You forget to breathe deeply.
• You say “I’m fine” but feel like you’re treading water every single day.

If you’re noticing these patterns, it’s not a flaw in your parenting. It’s your nervous system waving a white flag.

Why We Miss It

Most of us weren’t taught to track our own emotional regulation, let alone honor our sensory or nervous system needs. Instead, we learned to equate calm with control and productivity with success.

So when dysregulation shows up, we push it away:

• “I’m just tired.”
• “It’s been a long week.”
• “I need coffee.”

But over time, ignoring those signals leads to patterns:
Chronic burnout. Reactive parenting. Emotional disconnection.

The Ripple Effect: From You to Them

Our kids might not know the word dysregulation, but they feel it.
When your nervous system is overwhelmed, it shifts the tone of the home.

Children and teens are wired for co-regulation—they look to the adults in the room to help anchor their own bodies and brains. If your system is always in fight, flight, or freeze, it becomes harder for your child to settle into a sense of safety.

This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.
It means you have the opportunity to model what nervous system awareness looks like.

What Dysregulation Looks Like Across Ages

Understanding how it shows up differently helps us respond with compassion:

• Toddlers & Children: Tantrums, clinginess, overactivity, refusal to follow directions.
• Teens: Irritability, withdrawal, argumentativeness, shutdown.
• Adults: Snapping, chronic exhaustion, irritability, dissociation, emotional numbness.

Same stress response. Different expression.
And often—it’s not “behavior.” It’s a nervous system in survival mode.

Small Shifts That Create Big Change

You don’t have to overhaul your life to support regulation. Often, it’s about small, consistent choices that cue your body toward safety and grounding.

Try this:

• Pause before reacting. A single breath can reset the moment.
• Hand over heart or on your chest—physical touch anchors your body in the present.
• Use proprioceptive input (deep pressure, weighted exercise) to calm sensory systems.
• Create daily rhythms—predictability soothes the brain.
• Integrate sensory tools like Calmily’s weighted pillow during screen time or bedtime transitions.

Your Calm Isn’t a Luxury—It’s a Legacy

When you prioritize your regulation, everything shifts.
You don’t just feel better. You model what emotional intelligence and resilience look like in real life.
You teach your kids it’s okay to rest, to feel, to reset.

This is the heart of generational nervous system healing.
Not perfect parenting. Not constant calm.
But self-awareness. Repair. And co-regulation, one moment at a time.

Closing Thought:
So the next time you ask, “Is it me or the kids?”—pause.
Check in with your own body first.
Because your nervous system matters too.